"mine's not tight" (harness on coaster)

Wed 11th July TGF: cool rides (another thing on the 'List of really cool things I have been paid to do').. the chance to make things better after I had messed them up..inventions for incompetent people.

Thurs 12th July. TGF: screaming like a girl...not falling out of G-Force.. hugs from tipsy house mates...crisps...remembering the first malaria tablet..being able to just hold someone and wipe away the tears.. them doing the same for me...cuddles with baby Naomi...perfect birthday pressies from brilliant (and thoughtful) friends that know me well

Mon 9th July TGF: good timing on MSN..finally getting all my books marked..time with friends..ipods with tracks written and performed by people I know..the person that makes me VERY happy.

Tues 10th July TGF: help with getting packed...feeling a little bit excited about Africa now...fixed printers..choc chunk cheesecake at Wests..perfect birthday presents..crazy hair.

TGF wanting to TGF

Sunday 8th July. TGF feeling like he is really there. Have not blogged for ages because I have been having a major God 'wobble'. Sometimes being mad at him, sometimes wondering what the point is, why bother, mostly not understanding. One of my major issues was about how much God plans everything and controls things and how much is free choice. Related to this was to what degree did God make me exactly as I am, for His purpose or whatever, and how much is down to the choices I have made (Psalm 139 vs...). So for the last month or so my heart knew deep down that God was there really, but my head had too many doubts and questions.

So. Today is the first day that I really feel like thanking God for anything, and its been a while too since I really wanted to pray to him, and then only for other people. This morning I went to cut Heather's grass. Its not like I spent the time in deep spiritual thought, mostly brain just zooming and worrying about Tanzania. On the bike ride to church though, I just felt really chilled and peaceful about stuff. Normally I would have stressed about being late and not having had a shower and .... but I just kind of relaxed about these things, and just was a bit Aspie in the service, but not at all angry, unlike every other service for the last month, where I have been driven mad within 5 minutes, and really wondered why I bothered. Church was fast becoming a place to go to feel really bad about myself. I didn't know it was a communion service, and today I just felt like taking it (again the opposite to the last month) to say thanks to God for loving me.

This evening Sim's worship was great. Just him and a guitar. And the first time I felt like singing the words. Wrote down one line, cause I think God is telling me to trust him...particularly with the trip to Tanzania.

"Yesterday, today, forever. You are faithful and we will trust in you""

So, I think I have been obedient...I am going...now I have to trust that God will look after me and everything will be ok. The other thing I have to do is not get so hung up on stuff I don't understand and just try to do love God and love one another. It is easy to focus on all the stuff I do wrong and how I never get any better, and how its possible to think of my very being and identity as being inherently wrong and sinful. Or I can choose to try to just do that one greatest commandment. I can focus on the love part and try to do the very best job of that I can, with his help.

...TGF... zoomy brain waking me up early to get jobs done...the smell of cut grass...the way the mower compressed all the wet grass making it an easy job...realising that God doesn't care if I have not had a shower and I am wearing old dirty clothes and I am a little bit late...leftover takeaway curry...naps during the Wimbledon final...suprise visits...half price Ben and Jerrys...my favourite new shoes...Sim being brave and talented enough to be different in worship...the words to Majesty...God speaking to me in a way i understand (i think)...every second...