I know that in theory I have lots to thank God for. But it feels like there is absolutely nothing to TGF. Now that the concert is over there is nothing to look forward to. No little things. No more walks in the Peaks. No more concerts and shows. No more trips to London. No more laughing. Not even a chat and tea after school. Even the things that I have to do, like Chalkie's party, like the PhD celebration meal I'm avoiding tomorrow.. they're all just reminders of how much of a failure I am. I'll always be alone. Noone ever loved me enough to want just to be with me. One person just wanted all my money, and someone to belay him. Who knows what the other person wanted.
Its hard at 31 to know that you'll never have that life you dreamed of. Simple things like a partner. Kids. Building a home with someone. All the things I loved doing.. adventurous stuff outdoors.. is just a pile of kit in the loft now. I'll never go on holiday again. Never get to see the world... enjoy it with somebody else. Can't see the point in being alive. Go to work, get money. Pay bills. Seems a bit stupid to me. Jeremiah 29:11 seems a complete load of rubbish to me.
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