and the highest honour and privilege.
TGF love.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Lead us not into temptation
I seem to be praying this an awful lot at the moment. Almost as a mantra or as self talk to induce self control. Especially when other people are clearly desperately trying to lead me into temptation.
I was going to have a little rant about God yet again answering prayers by doing the opposite of what I ask for, but I’ve just read through a few of my previous blog posts and come across this quote, from one of the Inclusive Curch sermons... "I never lost faith in God – but I did wonder what he was up to sometimes". This more accurately describes how I feel about what is happening at the moment. On one hand I want to thank God for yet another blessing. On the other I want to scream at God for making things so difficult again, and why can’t things be simple, like they seem to be for others. why can’t I have a simple friendship? Why does it have to be a test in self control? Why does it have to always be the person who is completely unavailable?
Another bit of the sermon referred to telling the truth despite it being costly. In principle I agree that you should always do this. But I’ve also learned from the past, so now I am living in fear of the truth causing history to repeat itself. And that history has been extremely painful.
So... avoid temptation by avoiding completely and also avoid all the blessings that may be received? Tell the truth and suffer the cost? Or learn from experience, keep mouth shut and keep praying ‘lead me not into temptation’ and hope I learn to deal with it?
I was going to have a little rant about God yet again answering prayers by doing the opposite of what I ask for, but I’ve just read through a few of my previous blog posts and come across this quote, from one of the Inclusive Curch sermons... "I never lost faith in God – but I did wonder what he was up to sometimes". This more accurately describes how I feel about what is happening at the moment. On one hand I want to thank God for yet another blessing. On the other I want to scream at God for making things so difficult again, and why can’t things be simple, like they seem to be for others. why can’t I have a simple friendship? Why does it have to be a test in self control? Why does it have to always be the person who is completely unavailable?
Another bit of the sermon referred to telling the truth despite it being costly. In principle I agree that you should always do this. But I’ve also learned from the past, so now I am living in fear of the truth causing history to repeat itself. And that history has been extremely painful.
So... avoid temptation by avoiding completely and also avoid all the blessings that may be received? Tell the truth and suffer the cost? Or learn from experience, keep mouth shut and keep praying ‘lead me not into temptation’ and hope I learn to deal with it?
Thursday, June 28, 2018
In three months this will be funny.
Right now its not. My solicitor waited until the day before completion to tell me that I have to pay the higher rate of stamp duty because the sale of my flat fell through and its still not sold. This meant that at 4:20pm when I got home from school we had to find an extra £6600 on top of the £3k we had been quoted.
The total extra they wanted was £9340.
Mum's bank account held £9349.
So in a couple of month's, providing the flat has sold and we can claim back the difference between £8500 and £1900 stamp duty, then this will be funny, and another example of God testing and just laughing at me when I fail to trust him, even though he provides the way out of the crap.
If the flat does not sell in time, I will still be very, very angry about all the hassle and large cost of somebody else changing their mind a few days before exchange.
The total extra they wanted was £9340.
Mum's bank account held £9349.
So in a couple of month's, providing the flat has sold and we can claim back the difference between £8500 and £1900 stamp duty, then this will be funny, and another example of God testing and just laughing at me when I fail to trust him, even though he provides the way out of the crap.
If the flat does not sell in time, I will still be very, very angry about all the hassle and large cost of somebody else changing their mind a few days before exchange.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Don’t judge me but...
I somehow ended up on you tube watching some video of 100 celebrity gay couples. No idea why as normally I couldn’t care less about anything celebrity but I watched the whole thing, feeling warmer and fuzzier at just seeing happy couples, most of which from their two photos (one black tie showbiz event pic and one ‘natural’ pic) looked like they were just two people in love.
Then I made the mistake of reading the first few comments. Then made the bigger mistake of scrolling through a few more.
All hate from ‘christians’, mainly condemning these happy couples to hell.
Aha! One lovely post saying that Jesus loves them too. This one, unlike the others, had several replies. I couldn’t bring myself to click on it to read all the comments then condemning this person too for stating the truth that Jesus loves everyone, gay or otherwise.
Why do christians have to ruin everything? It was so lovely seeing role models of happy successful partnerships, often with kids, often mixed race, just people who found someone to love. But then....
Then I made the mistake of reading the first few comments. Then made the bigger mistake of scrolling through a few more.
All hate from ‘christians’, mainly condemning these happy couples to hell.
Aha! One lovely post saying that Jesus loves them too. This one, unlike the others, had several replies. I couldn’t bring myself to click on it to read all the comments then condemning this person too for stating the truth that Jesus loves everyone, gay or otherwise.
Why do christians have to ruin everything? It was so lovely seeing role models of happy successful partnerships, often with kids, often mixed race, just people who found someone to love. But then....
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
Jimmy and IC
Trying to pack and trying to sort the IC stand for the church fete. In the usual easily distracted, too many tasks at once equals nothing finished type manner. Sunday evening's Inclusive Church meeting was brilliant. Lots of people all with a heart for a different area of exclusion.
TGF dancing around my lounge to The Communards' Don't leave me this way at well past bedtime.
TGF dancing around my lounge to The Communards' Don't leave me this way at well past bedtime.
Saturday, June 09, 2018
He told the truth, and it was costly.
Before I forget: TGF 80 minute runs in the woods.. talking about big things and little things, the opportunity to challenge my own thinking.
Now reading the transcript of the sermon I had missed during the lent series on Inclusive church, the one on sexuality.
Thoughts as I go...
.. I need to research OneBodyOneFaith
... I need to find and read books by Jim Cotter
... the phrase, repeated by the speaker, 'He told the truth and it was costly'. She is speaking about Jim telling his bishop the truth and losing his job. I know about the truth being costly. And I know about not speaking the truth, in order to protect others from the cost.. but then facing the cost of both the truth, and hiding the truth alone. I'm still wondering about the near future, and whether God wants me to tell the truth, or to go on hiding it.
..."In a church obsessed with power, here was another way. Authenticity."
I found a card the other day, from a friend when I left my old school, in a not good way. In the card she said that I was 'the most authentic person she knew'. Am I still authentic? I think so, and I think I'm probably more open about who I am. More comfortable with certain labels, and I've learned new labels that fit me better. I hope I haven't learned too many NT tricks, and hope I don't hide stuff or try to manipulate opinions of me. I'm not the best judge though I guess.
..."the church doesn’t just expect people to collude, it rewards them for doing so"
Wow... isn't that the truth. The church loves hiding the truth and the messiness of real life. It likes everything to fit nicely and present the right image. What happens though when the glass cracks...
..."the church isn’t especially even-handed in its discrimination"
also agreed.
..."How can we be prophetic voices to a society which is longing for the good news of healing and hope if we can’t even tell the truth about ourselves – individually or corporately?"
We can't. So maybe my calling is to be honest. To be up front about the truth about myself. But in the right way. We don't need to make a big thing of it. But equally there needs to be an element of visibility.
Had an interesting couple of conversations at school recently. One in the staff room at lunch in which coming out stories etc were swapped in the most uneventful way ever.. two people comfortable with laughing about life, happy with who we are. Another conversation with people in the office, who assumed that I was buying a house with a partner. After simply saying 'nah, just me'.. well, and parents.. I found myself pondering on the fact that they assumed I had a partner. I think they assumed female, and it was zero big deal. Which is great. But then I thought, how sad, that you assume I have a partner, and yet its not strange that I would have never mentioned them, or that you would ask.. or... Is is still the case of 'don't ask, don't tell'? Or are gay relationships less acceptable still in general conversation? others seem to talk about their partners all the time, why wouldn't I?
I know that school are/would be cool with it, and that most would probably be really happy for me if ever I found someone that could put up with me and the Lego that comes with me.. and I think that my church now would be cool with it too. None of my previous churches would. They tolerated me in a 'theoretically gay' way.. but to stand there worshipping next to a partner? No.
"God has been extraordinarily loyal, and inventive and compassionate"
That sounds like an awesome God to know.
Now reading the transcript of the sermon I had missed during the lent series on Inclusive church, the one on sexuality.
Thoughts as I go...
.. I need to research OneBodyOneFaith
... I need to find and read books by Jim Cotter
... the phrase, repeated by the speaker, 'He told the truth and it was costly'. She is speaking about Jim telling his bishop the truth and losing his job. I know about the truth being costly. And I know about not speaking the truth, in order to protect others from the cost.. but then facing the cost of both the truth, and hiding the truth alone. I'm still wondering about the near future, and whether God wants me to tell the truth, or to go on hiding it.
..."In a church obsessed with power, here was another way. Authenticity."
I found a card the other day, from a friend when I left my old school, in a not good way. In the card she said that I was 'the most authentic person she knew'. Am I still authentic? I think so, and I think I'm probably more open about who I am. More comfortable with certain labels, and I've learned new labels that fit me better. I hope I haven't learned too many NT tricks, and hope I don't hide stuff or try to manipulate opinions of me. I'm not the best judge though I guess.
..."the church doesn’t just expect people to collude, it rewards them for doing so"
Wow... isn't that the truth. The church loves hiding the truth and the messiness of real life. It likes everything to fit nicely and present the right image. What happens though when the glass cracks...
..."the church isn’t especially even-handed in its discrimination"
also agreed.
..."How can we be prophetic voices to a society which is longing for the good news of healing and hope if we can’t even tell the truth about ourselves – individually or corporately?"
We can't. So maybe my calling is to be honest. To be up front about the truth about myself. But in the right way. We don't need to make a big thing of it. But equally there needs to be an element of visibility.
Had an interesting couple of conversations at school recently. One in the staff room at lunch in which coming out stories etc were swapped in the most uneventful way ever.. two people comfortable with laughing about life, happy with who we are. Another conversation with people in the office, who assumed that I was buying a house with a partner. After simply saying 'nah, just me'.. well, and parents.. I found myself pondering on the fact that they assumed I had a partner. I think they assumed female, and it was zero big deal. Which is great. But then I thought, how sad, that you assume I have a partner, and yet its not strange that I would have never mentioned them, or that you would ask.. or... Is is still the case of 'don't ask, don't tell'? Or are gay relationships less acceptable still in general conversation? others seem to talk about their partners all the time, why wouldn't I?
I know that school are/would be cool with it, and that most would probably be really happy for me if ever I found someone that could put up with me and the Lego that comes with me.. and I think that my church now would be cool with it too. None of my previous churches would. They tolerated me in a 'theoretically gay' way.. but to stand there worshipping next to a partner? No.
"God has been extraordinarily loyal, and inventive and compassionate"
That sounds like an awesome God to know.
"I never lost faith
in God – but I did wonder what he was up to sometimes"
Yeah!. That.
"natural boundary dweller" ... on the edges, always in a position to make good an escape. Thats where I'm happy too. But maybe its time to get pushed in.
...knowing the difference between serving the church and seeking the Kingdom. They are not the same and sometimes they go together, but sometimes they may be polar opposites. The trick is knowing which. ..."changing the institution'.. be part of the change you seek?!
..."If you, here, want to be affirming and accepting of people like me, then you need to make sure that no-one can mistake where you stand."
So, ASWHT, how do we do that?
How do I know I am safe? I think I got extremely lucky (or actually God's timing) that the time I decided to come back to church, and to try this one, was the few weeks that you had the Inclusive Church series. And actually the week that tackled the part of my identity and my outcast-ness that is actually on show.. my gender.. to the point of obviousness that a church leader felt they had to come and talk to me the second the service ended, before I could make good my escape. I also cannot tell you how MASSIVE the affirmation of faith during lent was. Here is a church full of people that could condemn me actually telling me I am safe here.
Since then? people's keenness to hear my story, my opinion, to get me involved, to not allow me to be a boundary dweller, to invite me to things. Seeing how others are accepted. Having women in charge. Some things make me laugh, in their overseen-ness to be accepting and affirming.. I love the effort that goes into calling me 'he'.
A task for the meeting and possibly the fete... How do I know I am safe here?
"But, in all of this, we need one another, and by that I mean all of us – I need you in my corner"
Yep. I guess that is the biggest thing in any institution or any group we try to be a part of ... knowing there is someone in my corner.
I KNOW that is true here at AS, that there are people in my corner. At my previous church I was really encouraged that two people told me that if ever the poo hit the fan.. they were in my corner. I think it was framed as we will go with you when you're asked to leave', rather than we will fight to change the church.. but its good knowing you've got backup.
Yeah!. That.
"natural boundary dweller" ... on the edges, always in a position to make good an escape. Thats where I'm happy too. But maybe its time to get pushed in.
...knowing the difference between serving the church and seeking the Kingdom. They are not the same and sometimes they go together, but sometimes they may be polar opposites. The trick is knowing which. ..."changing the institution'.. be part of the change you seek?!
..."If you, here, want to be affirming and accepting of people like me, then you need to make sure that no-one can mistake where you stand."
So, ASWHT, how do we do that?
How do I know I am safe? I think I got extremely lucky (or actually God's timing) that the time I decided to come back to church, and to try this one, was the few weeks that you had the Inclusive Church series. And actually the week that tackled the part of my identity and my outcast-ness that is actually on show.. my gender.. to the point of obviousness that a church leader felt they had to come and talk to me the second the service ended, before I could make good my escape. I also cannot tell you how MASSIVE the affirmation of faith during lent was. Here is a church full of people that could condemn me actually telling me I am safe here.
Since then? people's keenness to hear my story, my opinion, to get me involved, to not allow me to be a boundary dweller, to invite me to things. Seeing how others are accepted. Having women in charge. Some things make me laugh, in their overseen-ness to be accepting and affirming.. I love the effort that goes into calling me 'he'.
A task for the meeting and possibly the fete... How do I know I am safe here?
"But, in all of this, we need one another, and by that I mean all of us – I need you in my corner"
Yep. I guess that is the biggest thing in any institution or any group we try to be a part of ... knowing there is someone in my corner.
I KNOW that is true here at AS, that there are people in my corner. At my previous church I was really encouraged that two people told me that if ever the poo hit the fan.. they were in my corner. I think it was framed as we will go with you when you're asked to leave', rather than we will fight to change the church.. but its good knowing you've got backup.
Thursday, June 07, 2018
Puddings and Prayer
Went to a 'Puddings and Prayer' meeting at church tonight. First we were asked to look at some images of Jesus and discuss ones we liked, or didn't or... I chose one that looked a bit like Johnny from CMA, well, he looked like a lot of people I might bump into at a bike rally.. long hair and tattoos. I liked it BECAUSE he was a guy that I think was meant to look like a biker, or an outsider (long hair tattoo etc) but who actually I'm probably most comfortable around and am most likely to chat to about God. One could maybe draw a lot of conclusions from that, but I'm not going to right now.
I also chose an image that looked like a zombie Jesus, screaming and about to attack... that I really didn't like.. because it scared the crap out of me! Interesting that others didn't agree.
Next we discussed prayer. Some people gave very sensible answers about how they pray. One lady meditates, another guy said he ranged from 'through singing, to silence'. Some pray best when walking the dog. I agree, that or running through the woods or walking in mountains.
However, I wanted to say that my prayer ranges from silently waiting, and trying to concentrate but failing, through to sitting in the van screaming at God, ranting and shouting through tears and snot and awful language and real screams. That may not be the safest most christian answer, but its true. God gets told exactly how I feel about things sometimes. And a lot of the time, those feelings are deep and painful.
Most of my prayer is done while walking or cycling or driving. Out loud. Which does have the happy side effect of making me look like a complete nut, and has on occasion put the wind up people I didn't know were there. But I think a conversation, as though he is there beside me is how I naturally talk to God best. I often worry that I just don't get it with loving God, in my head and especially my heart. It feels like I seem to be missing something that others have, or have experienced. But still I choose to try, and God in the Shack concept, of persons that are there, wanting to listen, waiting for you to learn, seems to work for me.
I also learned that what I thought was a necklace I had bought in Uganda, and is usually modelled by a Stormtrooper....
Is in fact Rosary beads!
I'm not sure that I could do the traditional set of prayers that goes with them... but maybe my own version of a routine of prayer to go with the beads to focus the hands, might be useful.
TGF: ambrosia rice pudding and Pops (happy birthday pops).
I also chose an image that looked like a zombie Jesus, screaming and about to attack... that I really didn't like.. because it scared the crap out of me! Interesting that others didn't agree.
Next we discussed prayer. Some people gave very sensible answers about how they pray. One lady meditates, another guy said he ranged from 'through singing, to silence'. Some pray best when walking the dog. I agree, that or running through the woods or walking in mountains.
However, I wanted to say that my prayer ranges from silently waiting, and trying to concentrate but failing, through to sitting in the van screaming at God, ranting and shouting through tears and snot and awful language and real screams. That may not be the safest most christian answer, but its true. God gets told exactly how I feel about things sometimes. And a lot of the time, those feelings are deep and painful.
Most of my prayer is done while walking or cycling or driving. Out loud. Which does have the happy side effect of making me look like a complete nut, and has on occasion put the wind up people I didn't know were there. But I think a conversation, as though he is there beside me is how I naturally talk to God best. I often worry that I just don't get it with loving God, in my head and especially my heart. It feels like I seem to be missing something that others have, or have experienced. But still I choose to try, and God in the Shack concept, of persons that are there, wanting to listen, waiting for you to learn, seems to work for me.
I also learned that what I thought was a necklace I had bought in Uganda, and is usually modelled by a Stormtrooper....
Is in fact Rosary beads!
I'm not sure that I could do the traditional set of prayers that goes with them... but maybe my own version of a routine of prayer to go with the beads to focus the hands, might be useful.
TGF: ambrosia rice pudding and Pops (happy birthday pops).
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