Kind of lost the original focus of the blog... so...
TGF: Dungeons and Dragons, and decent rolls when the alternative is drowning.
TGF: reading in patches of sunshine
TGF: people who challenge you to grow, and people who love you as you are.
So. Met Chris at the car boot. Further reinforcement on the 'its time to let it go, she will never ever come back, she wimped out, her choice' theme. (and then a teary hug we both needed) .
My head gets it. Its time to stop defending her. Forgive. Move on. Not let anything about the past get to me now.
I think my heart gets it. The heart got hurt badly enough to know that head is right. Trouble is Aspie heart can be very all or nothing. Another friend quite rightly pointed out last night that its important not to build a brick wall (again) and keep everyone out. Not sure I'm wise enough who to let in though. Aspie honesty has already made me extremely open to hurt again. I guess I also need to learn to judge who actually even wants to be cared about by me. Also need to learn what different people mean by the word friend.
The topic of calling. Still getting prodded about that.
Thoughts over the last few days are that I think I need to work things out so that I work less (paid jobs) so that I can keep on top of my own life and admin and home. And so that I have time to make the lego and read all the books. And so that I have time to commit to serving properly.. at church, CMA, cadets, whatever.
I was watching one of the Thy Kingdom Come clips today (day 3 possibly.. shane?) about Peter, and the bible being full of imperfect people. God tends to use people 'in spite of' rather than 'because of'.. so I'm kind of bracing myself that the 'I can't do that.. its my worst weakness etc etc' reason may not work forever. The example of Moses popped into my head. Trying to use being bad at public speaking as an excuse.
Still don't really know what my calling is though. If I have one. Can I not just be helpful in lots of places in little ways?
I think my motivation would be all wrong anyway. Still not sure I totally trust God. Definitely know that I cannot trust anything I think he says as that's all been proven utterly wrong in the past. I think a high proportion of motivation is the need to feel not completely useless, and to have humans value me.
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Saturday, May 12, 2018
Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered....
....you have no power over me!
bookended quote from Labyrinth. And the result of wise words from a friend tonight. I thought that I was going to get over this by conversation, hoping to get some acknowledgement of what had happened. But that puts my healing back in her hands again.
My healing needs to be only up to me and God. It needs to be completely independent of her. I agree with that. But how do I make it happen? How will I know when I'm over it?
Is it really down to the subtle art of not giving a ****?
bookended quote from Labyrinth. And the result of wise words from a friend tonight. I thought that I was going to get over this by conversation, hoping to get some acknowledgement of what had happened. But that puts my healing back in her hands again.
My healing needs to be only up to me and God. It needs to be completely independent of her. I agree with that. But how do I make it happen? How will I know when I'm over it?
Is it really down to the subtle art of not giving a ****?
Predictable sleeplessness
Feels like there are too many 's's in that word.
Not really sure what I want to write. I do really appreciate that someone cares enough to talk to me about stuff... important stuff. I value their time and their wisdom. I guess I'm agitated about it because it maybe raised more questions than answers.
I was probably naively hoping for a flowchart of 'what to do if/when' that one resolve a beyond awkward situation in one fell swoop. What I got was poked and annoyed into questioning myself and the last ten years. I didn't honestly think that I'd be defending someone that had hurt me so much, but I guess that reveals a lot about me, and why I've not really healed in ten years.
I probably wanted someone to say 'you're right, that is completely ridiculous and the height of injustice. I will slap them for you and then it will all be ok'. What actually happened is that I felt worse than ever for being used so badly and now know that I will never know any justice over this, that I will have to continue having to keep my mouth shut and somehow control my feelings and allow the truth to stay buried.
I still don't know what God's plan is in this. It feels like I'm just being ripped apart all over again. Maybe this is the start of real healing. Is there good at the end of this? Am I still not the Harley He wants me to be. I know moving house won't fix me (although the garage and Lego loft will make me very happy!) and that I'd love to no longer be completely taken down by fear of running into certain people or by the heartache of 'why am I not good enough to have kids/partner/soul mate friend'. I'd love to know how to be self confident without being arrogant/a complete git. I'd love to trust that people do actually care and aren't just going to delete me from their lives suddenly.
I'd love for God to make the journey from head to heart, because even after thirty years I still doubt and still don't feel it.
Not really sure what I want to write. I do really appreciate that someone cares enough to talk to me about stuff... important stuff. I value their time and their wisdom. I guess I'm agitated about it because it maybe raised more questions than answers.
I was probably naively hoping for a flowchart of 'what to do if/when' that one resolve a beyond awkward situation in one fell swoop. What I got was poked and annoyed into questioning myself and the last ten years. I didn't honestly think that I'd be defending someone that had hurt me so much, but I guess that reveals a lot about me, and why I've not really healed in ten years.
I probably wanted someone to say 'you're right, that is completely ridiculous and the height of injustice. I will slap them for you and then it will all be ok'. What actually happened is that I felt worse than ever for being used so badly and now know that I will never know any justice over this, that I will have to continue having to keep my mouth shut and somehow control my feelings and allow the truth to stay buried.
I still don't know what God's plan is in this. It feels like I'm just being ripped apart all over again. Maybe this is the start of real healing. Is there good at the end of this? Am I still not the Harley He wants me to be. I know moving house won't fix me (although the garage and Lego loft will make me very happy!) and that I'd love to no longer be completely taken down by fear of running into certain people or by the heartache of 'why am I not good enough to have kids/partner/soul mate friend'. I'd love to know how to be self confident without being arrogant/a complete git. I'd love to trust that people do actually care and aren't just going to delete me from their lives suddenly.
I'd love for God to make the journey from head to heart, because even after thirty years I still doubt and still don't feel it.
Monday, May 07, 2018
Genderquake
So. Watched a documentary on Channel 4 tonight called Genderquake in which people from the LGBTQI community and some straight people all go into a house together. Yet again I realise what a sheltered life I lead and how much I have to learn. I think I cope with life by keeping busy and not thinking. Then things come along that make you have to think, have to explain yourself. Like the Gender sermon and discussion during lent. I don't know if its that I didn't really think about what I am before that, or if its just easier now that I am aware of the concepts and terms and definitions that I can go 'yeah, that... I'm that". Now that I know that there is a thing called gender queer, and non-binary, its a lot easier to identify with that. And it helps to know that 'both' and 'not sure' and 'it changes' is ok, and other people also think/feel that.
As to the programme specifically, I found the definitions on screen at the start really helpful, and those people that spoke about their childhood and who they are now really helpful. I guess the two straight, gender binary people have been chosen because they have such binary views of gender. It looks like the man is open to rethinking, but the woman not. I'm feeling sorry for her though, as she seems to have fallen for a guy that hasn't been open about being trans and i don't think she will cope with that. Which leads to the most interesting point. Some of the housemates noticed when this guy went swimming that he had scars from surgery, implying that he was trans. They then spread this gossip around behind his back. Initially I thought that the man who asked him about it to his face was doing more the right thing, but his subsequent attitude makes me want to give him a slap! It raises the questions though... at what point do you stop being trans, and be just a guy? and also who does that information belong to.. should a trans person have to be honest and open about it or can they just live as their new gender? who needs to know? at what point in a relationship does the other party need to know?
Anyway.. feeling more confident about my own identity.. particularly after the Suffragettes show last night, which I left feeling considerably more confident and proud that when I arrived... but significantly more bothered about my appearance... since this morning's disastrous attempt to deal with my roots.. resulting in clumps of hair falling out and the remainder being like straw. Sigh.
As to the programme specifically, I found the definitions on screen at the start really helpful, and those people that spoke about their childhood and who they are now really helpful. I guess the two straight, gender binary people have been chosen because they have such binary views of gender. It looks like the man is open to rethinking, but the woman not. I'm feeling sorry for her though, as she seems to have fallen for a guy that hasn't been open about being trans and i don't think she will cope with that. Which leads to the most interesting point. Some of the housemates noticed when this guy went swimming that he had scars from surgery, implying that he was trans. They then spread this gossip around behind his back. Initially I thought that the man who asked him about it to his face was doing more the right thing, but his subsequent attitude makes me want to give him a slap! It raises the questions though... at what point do you stop being trans, and be just a guy? and also who does that information belong to.. should a trans person have to be honest and open about it or can they just live as their new gender? who needs to know? at what point in a relationship does the other party need to know?
Anyway.. feeling more confident about my own identity.. particularly after the Suffragettes show last night, which I left feeling considerably more confident and proud that when I arrived... but significantly more bothered about my appearance... since this morning's disastrous attempt to deal with my roots.. resulting in clumps of hair falling out and the remainder being like straw. Sigh.
Thursday, May 03, 2018
Is that what inclusive means?
What does it mean to be welcomed at a church? What does it mean for a church to be inclusive?
Its not excluding someone one the basis of x, y or z. That's great. But what does welcome mean?
It's being allowed to be part of the congregation. But do churches consider that enough? Is it ok just to allow people to be part of the congregation, to attend services and events. On their terms.
Or does 'the church' only feel successful at 'including' someone if thejy are put onto several rotas and volunteered for things and become part of the 'backroom team' of the church?
How do I feel included? I guess I do feel more included and more sure of my welcome if I am involved in the work of the organisation/group/church. Its a good way to get to know people, a good way for people to know me and become accepted for who I am.
But.
Maybe I also just want to BE at church. I may eventually appreciate being asked to be involved. I may seek out becoming involved. But maybe I'm in a place where I just need to look forward to going to church, and not stress if I can't make it sometimes. I think maybe even in my own head I'm being contradictory. I want to feel needed and like my presence/help is wanted... but not pressured.
Maybe its because hard lessons have been learned in the past. You can be on every rota there is at a church (apart from flower arranging)... and yet when you eventually can't face being at church any more... not one person checks where and how you are when you send an apology and stop turning up. So I've learned not to over-estimate my importance. I know how easily I am replaced and how little I actually matter as a human being.
Does the church treat people differently based on their relationship status, or whether they have children? Are assumptions made about availability and willingness.... even a sense of duty or obligation based on this? In some other situations people have openly volunteered me for things on the basis that I’m single and don’t have kids. I understand that this means I won’t have to arrange childcare in order to do something, but it does not mean I do not have a life that is already so full of commitments (paid and unpaid) that I actually struggle to keep up, often fail to keep up and my own To Do list just gets longer and longer.
So... some interesting questions for people at the Fete, or if any more discussion groups ever happen at church... what does it mean to be included? Is there a level of included that can put people off? Is it ok just to come to church as and when you feel like it? Does the church have a set of criteria for classing people as included or as 'part of the team' or...
Bit muddled... not enough sleep this week.
Its not excluding someone one the basis of x, y or z. That's great. But what does welcome mean?
It's being allowed to be part of the congregation. But do churches consider that enough? Is it ok just to allow people to be part of the congregation, to attend services and events. On their terms.
Or does 'the church' only feel successful at 'including' someone if thejy are put onto several rotas and volunteered for things and become part of the 'backroom team' of the church?
How do I feel included? I guess I do feel more included and more sure of my welcome if I am involved in the work of the organisation/group/church. Its a good way to get to know people, a good way for people to know me and become accepted for who I am.
But.
Maybe I also just want to BE at church. I may eventually appreciate being asked to be involved. I may seek out becoming involved. But maybe I'm in a place where I just need to look forward to going to church, and not stress if I can't make it sometimes. I think maybe even in my own head I'm being contradictory. I want to feel needed and like my presence/help is wanted... but not pressured.
Maybe its because hard lessons have been learned in the past. You can be on every rota there is at a church (apart from flower arranging)... and yet when you eventually can't face being at church any more... not one person checks where and how you are when you send an apology and stop turning up. So I've learned not to over-estimate my importance. I know how easily I am replaced and how little I actually matter as a human being.
Does the church treat people differently based on their relationship status, or whether they have children? Are assumptions made about availability and willingness.... even a sense of duty or obligation based on this? In some other situations people have openly volunteered me for things on the basis that I’m single and don’t have kids. I understand that this means I won’t have to arrange childcare in order to do something, but it does not mean I do not have a life that is already so full of commitments (paid and unpaid) that I actually struggle to keep up, often fail to keep up and my own To Do list just gets longer and longer.
So... some interesting questions for people at the Fete, or if any more discussion groups ever happen at church... what does it mean to be included? Is there a level of included that can put people off? Is it ok just to come to church as and when you feel like it? Does the church have a set of criteria for classing people as included or as 'part of the team' or...
Bit muddled... not enough sleep this week.
Answering my call (ing)
So. There I was, organising running shoes (and getting a bit angry about the mess) at Go this evening. A gentleman asks for help with gas canisters. So I take him to them. Then we start chatting. Can't remember how it started, but he said "what are you laughing?" when he had told me he'd just bought a motorbike. I said I'm really happy you've got a bike. I'm a biker too. (I think he was getting defensive because he was not young, and struggling to walk). More chat about bikes, then I take his stuff to tills and get asked for help by someone else. While helping them that 'nagging voice of God' pops into my head.... "you should give him a CMA card", so I finish helping the customer. Run to the boot cage, find my wallet and pray that there is still a card in there.
There was, but I had to chase him all the way into the car park!
There is always that moment when you give out a card, or say something or.... when you wonder if this will go well, or very, very badly.
Turns out it made his day.
Hopefully I will see Alan at the Love Loughborough event on the 20th May.
Made my day too.
But I hate it when God uses the very things you feel you are worst at as your 'calling'. ;-)
There was, but I had to chase him all the way into the car park!
There is always that moment when you give out a card, or say something or.... when you wonder if this will go well, or very, very badly.
Turns out it made his day.
Hopefully I will see Alan at the Love Loughborough event on the 20th May.
Made my day too.
But I hate it when God uses the very things you feel you are worst at as your 'calling'. ;-)
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