Predictable sleeplessness

Feels like there are too many 's's in that word.

Not really sure what I want to write. I do really appreciate that someone cares enough to talk to me about stuff... important stuff. I value their time and their wisdom. I guess I'm agitated about it because it maybe raised more questions than answers.

I was probably naively hoping for a flowchart of 'what to do if/when' that one resolve a beyond awkward situation in one fell swoop. What I got was poked and annoyed into questioning myself and the last ten years. I didn't honestly think that I'd be defending someone that had hurt me so much, but I guess that reveals a lot about me, and why I've not really healed in ten years.

I probably wanted someone to say 'you're right, that is completely ridiculous and the height of injustice. I will slap them for you and then it will all be ok'. What actually happened is that I felt worse than ever for being used so badly and now know that I will never know any justice over this, that I will have to continue having to keep my mouth shut and somehow control my feelings and allow the truth to stay buried.

I still don't know what God's plan is in this. It feels like I'm just being ripped apart all over again. Maybe this is the start of real healing. Is there good at the end of this? Am I still not the Harley He wants me to be. I know moving house won't fix me (although the garage and Lego loft will make me very happy!) and that I'd love to no longer be completely taken down by fear of running into certain people or by the heartache of 'why am I not good enough to have kids/partner/soul mate friend'. I'd love to know how to be self confident without being arrogant/a complete git. I'd love to trust that people do actually care and aren't just going to delete me from their lives suddenly.

I'd love for God to make the journey from head to heart, because even after thirty years I still doubt and still don't feel it.