Stop defending

Kind of lost the original focus of the blog... so...

TGF: Dungeons and Dragons, and decent rolls when the alternative is drowning.
TGF: reading in patches of sunshine
TGF: people who challenge you to grow, and people who love you as you are.

So. Met Chris at the car boot. Further reinforcement on the 'its time to let it go, she will never ever come back, she wimped out, her choice' theme. (and then a teary hug we both needed) .

My head gets it. Its time to stop defending her. Forgive. Move on. Not let anything about the past get to me now.
I think my heart gets it. The heart got hurt badly enough to know that head is right. Trouble is Aspie heart can be very all or nothing. Another friend quite rightly pointed out last night that its important not to build a brick wall (again) and keep everyone out. Not sure I'm wise enough who to let in though. Aspie honesty has already made me extremely open to hurt again. I guess I also need to learn to judge who actually even wants to be cared about by me. Also need to learn what different people mean by the word friend.

The topic of calling. Still getting prodded about that.

Thoughts over the last few days are that I think I need to work things out so that I work less (paid jobs) so that I can keep on top of my own life and admin and home. And so that I have time to make the lego and read all the books. And so that I have time to commit to serving properly.. at church, CMA, cadets, whatever.

I was watching one of the Thy Kingdom Come clips today (day 3 possibly.. shane?) about Peter, and the bible being full of imperfect people. God tends to use people 'in spite of' rather than 'because of'.. so I'm kind of bracing myself that the 'I can't do that.. its my worst weakness etc etc' reason may not work forever. The example of Moses popped into my head. Trying to use being bad at public speaking as an excuse.

Still don't really know what my calling is though. If I have one. Can I not just be helpful in lots of places in little ways?

I think my motivation would be all wrong anyway. Still not sure I totally trust God. Definitely know that I cannot trust anything I think he says as that's all been proven utterly wrong in the past. I think a high proportion of motivation is the need to feel not completely useless, and to have humans value me.