2009

Thank God that this year is nearly over.

Unfortunately though I have run out of faith and hope that the next year will be any better.

Does God really keep his promises?

Norwich

TGF the lovely day in Hemsby. TGF the lights in Holt. TGF not fighting with my brother. TGF just managing to keep busy and not cry in front of anyone. TGF the generous presents to whatever charity I decide on. TGF getting there safely on the old wheel.

My best Christmas present

TGF the hug on Christmas day.

The baby

TGF loving us enough to give us his little boy... to show him the very worst of human nature and to cause him more suffering than most can imagine. I'm sorry Dad for how badly we treated your son.
TGF forgiving us and giving us a way back to him.

TGF snow on the ground. TGF Pete G, an ex pupil.. now 19 and training to be Pastor Pete. Please bless him. TGF a certain organist making me laugh.

TGF hope that one day there will be light that breaks through the darkness.

Tell people

TGF getting a reply from Rev Nick. TGF having my own drum kit to go worship God with. Sorry neighbours.

Baa

TGF my film playing ok on the dodgy PC at church.

I'm still choosing to worship.. but I'm too sad to feel like I'm really celebrating what should be the best time of the year. It hurts so much that I'm not involved. Everything hurts so much.

How much longer God?

Things that work straight out of the box

TGF my new scanner.. that appears to work fantastically.. and will make some upcoming horrid jobs a whole lot quicker and easier.

Err

Difficult as just feeling so sad. I guess TGF last few jobs for christmas going well.. things finally arriving for collection at Tescos, um... I know I should be celebrating Jesus birth.. but I'm just a crap person whol lets God down all the time, and I just feel sad. TGF knowing that God knows how I feel and he understands.

What I think.. but better explained..

TGF the words of Rev. Nicholas Holtam, of St Martin in the Fields Church on the BBC4 programme 'A History of Christianity' ...

"The difficulty for us is, I think, the scriptures don't say anything about faithful same sex relationships. Therefore what's condemned in scripture isn't what we're dealing with now... I think the bible does have an answer.. what matters between human beings is loving, faithful, honest relationships"

Don't know what you've got...

TGF the couple of years that I had a best friend... who was there when I needed her... and was happy to make the time to hang out with me.

Hark?

TGF beautiful flute playing and 8 minute organ intros.

Let it snow..

TGF snow... and my fave christmas song.

TGF last year when I was involved in the carol concert. I miss drumming and singing and stuff.

Frosty

TGF the Grimethorpe Colliery Band and TGF nice photos from happy times in the snow.

Improvising at its best

TGF LEGO.. and bits of fence.. and what you can achieve with them with the aid of a Macbook :-)

Absorbed

TGF being able to get absorbed in something and momentarily be distracted from how horrible life really is (even if it is monopoly on my Mac, and I really should be doing my big project for church).

Blurry is better

TGF my awful eye sight. The Christmas tree at church looked even better.. from the back with no glasses.

TGF knowing he is still there however difficult it is to praise him.. TGF him still loving me even though I cannot see that he is a good and loving god right now.. some part of me hears what he keeps repeating but the rest of me has just given up and knows that this miserable little life of surviving each day with a more and more broken heart is all there is for me.

For once

TGF the printer working when I needed it to. TGF being able to get one major task ticked off in time.. now on with all the other projects I really don't have time for :-)

Maybe it'll be ok

TGF being calm about big stuff.. TGF how much I care about the important thing and how unbothered I am by little things these days. TGF Maggie being ok (second Staffie scare of the week). TGF being busy, but getting things done. TGF looking forward to a cosy bed... must go make my HWB hehehe.

Hungry Hippo

TGF looking after poor little Stewie. His operation went well and he was allowed home, all better, if a tad hungry and still full of anasthetic!

Not quite Rocky

TGF his help today at the TKD Uni champs. Won the individual sparring, and all my matches in the team event... still waiting to hear if we won the shield. TGF being old.. and choosing a bath and a hot chocolate instead of drinking at the union!

Good things come...

TGF the big brown box downstairs...

..cos this is what's inside it...


.. I was just checking its the right one! Now its back in the box waiting until I decide I'm allowed to really open it..

The force must have been with me

TGF winning ebay auctions for something you really really want in the last dying seconds :-)

My Saviour

TG that He can move the mountains.

Bye little buddy

TGF Twiga. He's back playing with Tembo now.

Fission?

TGF the warmth of the sun.

Cosy

TGF being warm in my room, Queen CD on, working on a project for a Christmas present on my Macbook.

TGF knowing that its 'written in the stars'.

MAMA!!!!

TGF the Muppets... and Queen

Mmm tasty this is

TGF impromptu stops at McD's on the way home from a 10.5 hour day at school for a Star Wars happy meal.

TGF crying in the car, overwhelmed at how good God's plan for me is.

First sign of madness

TGF being able to talk to God/Dad/Mma at anytime, about everything. Normally out loud, not always when on my own. Have stopped caring if people think I'm crazy.

Big accidents online

TGF my one christmas present. I've just ordered my LEGO Millenium Falcon. I've saved up 2 pound coins and cash from stuff for several years.. now I have enough pennies. Its my only present this year as hopefully everyone will get me a goat or some chickens or something from oxfam/world vision.. or I could send it all as a donation to something.. inspiration required. Oh.. have to admit to buying a calendar too... you have to get a calendar for christmas.. its the law!! and yeah... its the LEGO one.. raising money for the NAS..

Straight from the Holy Spirit

TGF Swanny and TGF conkers.

and stop throwing sticks Harley!!!!

Accidents hehe

TGF little accidents in Tescos. Accidents of the "Hmm there's 33% off the midi scale LEGO Millenium Falcon... oops, one appears to have fallen into my trolley" nature.

Also TGF finally having saved up all the pennies required to get the Ultimate Collector's Edition Millenium Falcon.. and just in time for Christmas too..and before VAT goes back up.

TGF God giving us brains not just the bible

Brakes... now there's a novelty!

TGF having a working bike again. Was looking to buy a cheap bike to replace mine.. but in the end I decided that cheap bikes are rubbish.. and I love my old Claude Butler with its purple pedals .. so I got it fixed. Cost a lot.. but hopefully now the chain won't slip in a life threatening on roundabouts kind of way.. and I can stop too! .. and my foot won't slip off randomly thanks to the new toe clips. So TGF my bike.

Thanks A

TGF our awesome storm!!!! Percussion group at 'the ark' went really well (thanks to A's thundermaker hehe)

Playtime

TGF a bonus 3 hours when I should have been at work (pray Jamie is ok tho).. in which I played piano, played drums and played Lego. Hehe.

Pyro ..Aspie... same thing!

TGF my small but perfectly formed bonfire.. TGF toasting marshmallows and TGF the inexplicable pleasure of poking it with a stick!

What goes around...

comes around.. or so someone said to me today. Seems like sometimes its true.. or at least if you are decent to other people, then they remember it.

So... TGF Danny. Contacted him today, and not only was he really kind to me.. he also made me really laugh. Ask me in person what he said.. cos I don't dare write it here for fear of being taken to court!!! lol.

The Lord is waiting to take your hand

TGF fantastic songs to have at your funeral. I want Tim hughes .. When the Tears Fall... and this one... although I did have the Ella Fitzgerald version in mind :-)

Fantastic

TGF every time I see a fox on the cycle path coming home at night. Reminds me of Grandad, and reminds me that God is with me.

My Moon

TGF my moon. Button, Blue or River?

TGF the person who told me to get the one with the prettiest lights :-)

TGF being able to install it all by myself .. no puddle so far :-)

One of God's best creations

TGF Wendy.
TGF how she is honest with me.
TGF how she understands me.. and how things are.

Follow your 'instincts'

TGF the run round the Outwoods. TGF being surrounded.

Trust Me

TGF the LWB.

FLoppy hat day

TGF tearful hugs..not being late.. Alison coming.. Emma being there.. a bigger floppy hat.. front row seats.. not tripping up.. remembering to shake the chancellors hand.. Hope Powell.. sunshine.. happy silly photos with Alison.. AV hoodies.. flowers.. the third pub.. yummy food.. @s

Playin

TGF a lovely afternoon at the Beacon playin in the sun. TGF playing frisbee for ages and NOT having a black eye now! TGF managing to cycle there and back (there was hard!!) TGF the times when He gives me peace about stuff and I can just enjoy the small moments.

Ems

TGF Em... who never treats me like an Aspie and who never tells me how to behave and who doesn't live in the crazy world of 'the church'.

Today's thought..

from Wendy... "Good things are worth the pain"

God's timing is perfect

..and he has a mean sense of humour!!!

So, yesterday I was in the sports hall with 130 year 6s. Kate comes in to the little foyer bit to tell me I am summoned to the Deputy Head's office yet again. We have this conversation about how things 'can't get any worse'.. and I say 'well, actually.. just when you think things have hit rock bottom, and cannot possibly get any worse... they do' and right on cue... Doooosh!!! a ball comes through the half open door and whacks me on the side of the head!!!

Kate was crying with laughter, and after half a second of being mad so was I.. went out into the rain, looked up and applauded God for being funny, but mean! Think it was a full 5 mins before Kate could stop laughing enough to tell the others in pastoral about God's perfect timing :-)

Communication

TGF Him reassuring me yet again... telling me it will all happen if I just Trust Him and am faithful (book called 'My Dear Child' this time).

TGF a much needed talk yesterday.. one I was dreading, but that went through difficult and tears to leave us parting much closer. Think God is letting me know what I need to do, and reassuring me that He is doing the rest... I've learned that when I'm not in control God is free to do His stuff.

TGF the talk on Tuesday that I would never have made happen.. but through "chance" God made it happen. I hope I said what I was supposed to. I seem a bit more sure too about the path God has mined up for me. Its a scary one, but I don't think I will walk it alone. God made all of us. He made all of us different. He made us exactly how we are for his purposes. Its a slow process learning to go from hating how he made us, and how it makes life difficult for us (would often give anything to be straight, NT etc) to seeing that maybe these things give us a unique position from which to fufill his unique purposes for us.

Great.. but I do need some sleep!

TGF the thinking and talking together we do in the early hours. TGF how he uses what seem at the time like bad arguements with people to help me see things more clearly.

Read it... read it now

TGF the shack. Just finished it. Tears. Probably written about in on this blog before. But again.. TGF the shack.. and how it has helped me understand God, and how our relationship with him works, how we communicate, how his plans and our choices work together.

God puts people in your life..

TGF wise words from Wendy..

and TGF my first ever open and honest conversation with my Mum... who knew everything anyway cos I am incapable of hiding my feelings.

Answered prayers

TGF answering lots of prayers that my MT arch would hold out and my tummy would behave.. did good in the Race for Life.. 21:37.. third place.. better than last year. Happy to have achieved my target.

When you need it

TGF how God uses all sorts of stuff to help you when you really need it..

Angels and Demons.. p532.. on answered prayer and God talking to us..

"Sometimes, divine revelation simply means adjusting your brain to hear what your heart already knows"

The Ark

TGF the Ark and all the lovely people there. The Ark is the group I went to with Luke last night at the church in Woodhouse Eaves. Most of the people there had learning difficulties of varying degrees. I felt really touched by them, how friendly they were and how they shared their news with each other. I loved how they danced in the worship songs and how they laughed at the drama sketch of Moses' story. I finally gave up and just cried near the end, during the prayers when we were passing round a cross.. and one person just thanked Jesus for being her friend and her saviour. Have to admit tho that I did laugh when one guy told God the date and time and address for the concert he was playing in. Bless.

This was the best church thing I have been to in ages.. because we were all coming to Jesus... as children.. just how he wants us to.

Feeling reassured

TGF mates in Oz and family in Norwich.. their encouraging words.. keep believing.

The Shack

TGF the book I got at the car boot last week.. The Shack. I am finding the way God is portrayed/described in this extremely valuable, as its really a God I can relate to, and believe that she really does care about me, and is looking out for me. Its helping me to trust that God knows our hearts and our heads, and that she lets us make our own choices, but also is going to work out her plan and make things good within those choices.

Have underlined a lot of stuff in it.. and wrote one line out and stuck it on my wall. "God's timing is perfect".

Tough.. but I have to remember that. God won't do things on my timescale.. but hers. Cos she knows best. Meantime I have to pray she'll help me keep faith that it is all being worked out.. maybe not the way I'd thought, but maybe for the best.

So next time I am caught sobbing can you please remind me of this post.. remind me that God has told me to Trust Her.. and told me some other stuff.. and one day life will be good.

If...

TGF things that happened on Saturday... if I'm right...

A real friend

TGF Karen.. who always seems to be there.. at the end of a skype chat.. when I really need someone to put me back together and help me to keep faith that God will sort it. TGF her ability to see through things and to call it as she sees it.

Spoke too soon

Last post was a little premature.. the person who was supposed to be my new housemate phoned up and said he'd found somewhere else. So.. still no housemate.. but having to trust God.. sure will be ok in the end.

Still praying for the most important thing in the world to be sorted.. praying God can heal and reveal.. I wish I had the power to do it.. but I think its up to others now to see whats really happening and do the right thing.

PUSH

Still praying and praying and praying for the most important thing in my life to be sorted.. don't know how he will do it.. but he keeps saying 'Trust Me'.

Meantime.. he has given me a housemate (starting June 20th) who seems ok!

..and a new job (still teaching but..) as support worker for a lovely guy with CP. I'm really scared as I have no experience.. but sure God will help me..

..and I still have my old job.. and I'm allowed to do it now..

So TGF keeping me calm over the last month.. through testing times.. TGF the hope He gives me that things will get better.. trust him

I pray its true

TGF straight talking from a friend giving me hope when I was in the pit of despair. I just have to pray that what she thinks is true, really is true.

Last chance

Prayin hard it doesn't all end here

The last

TGF hope... however small

From the words in the car till now

TGF the last 2 years, 2 months and 11 days. They were wonderful and I will never forget them.

See Sea Life Centre pics..

TGF His amazing creation.

Easy like...

Sunday morning. TGF the first Patio breakfast of the year.. in glorious sunshine.. with a Star Wars book... and a cappuchino made with my £1 coffee machine. Chilled :-)

Make the most of it

TGF sunshine on a rainy day (lifts my soul, according to the song!) TGF chilling in the warm conservatory. TGF the Hotel Chocolat Tasting team (Lufbra division). TGF looking forward to RND friday evening (even if school are being extremely dull and grumpy)

Car boot buys

TGF listening to the Blues Bros LP (unfortunately while cleaning the rats, but its still good) and TGF reading the Star Wars Cross Sections book in a sunny warm conservatory.

Also TGF clean duvet covers (nice smell and no decorating dust) and TGF still being in bed with the Macbook at this time of day... only half 9, but yes, I am work avoiding!

Wow

TGF the beauty of the stars and the brightness of the moon.

If only

I had posted these as I thought of them...

TGF footy at the uni with nice people.. TGF scoring awesome goals (a relative thing, but my 'on the turn' effort was pretty cool) ...TGF going to bed early (ish) with a good book and a good bar of chocolate.. hence TGF Thorntons Turkish Delight bars...TGF my motorbike working again.. TGF a friend that doesn't laugh at me when I am scared of a film.. TGF my brain finally clicking so that I am no longer terrible at GH drums..TGF meerkats... TGF a friend that finds similar things hilarious..TGF sweatshirts that you feel all cuddly in... TGF it being light in the mornings now...TGF nice days at school

Toys

TGF sweet texts. TGF being able to still be in bed messing about online at 9.15 am. TGF a great deal on the toy I really wanted (Guitar Hero.. fifty quid cheaper than in town... and then seventy quids worth of extra guitar... for free!!!) TGF being able to do things by myself... with a bit of help from others to get me started.

No dicky!!!

TGF love, TGF thoughtful presents, TGF chilled time with the person you love, TGF being able to keep in touch over the miles.

I have plans for you.. they are plans for good

TGF how he turns things around. TGF how he saves us from the brink of ruining things with our own pride and our own hurt. TGF how wonderful life feels now.

In the absence of an instruction book... I pray for his help at getting better and better at looking after each other.

SNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

TGF SNOW!!! TGF getting me home safe last night... scariest drive out of Norfolk ever! TGF being invited to the superbowl party. TGF not crying in front of people (except Jon at the end). TGF enjoying scraping my drive so my car would go up it this morning. TGF my car NOT hitting the house when it slid back down pre-scraping! TGF not minding that it took an hour to get to school. TGF getting there to find the few staff that made it in the car park sending people home again. TGF the snowball fight we had in the car park. TGF banger sarnies when I got home. TGF looking forward to playing with Naomi in the snow soon.

Audiobooks in bed

TGF my iPod helping me turn off supercharged whizzy brain to get a whole 2 hours sleep last night.

Get the feeling God just likes to rub your face in it?

Tidying (trying to keep busy). Found a handout from an Alpha Bravo session...

"If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.."

Feels like nothing

I know that in theory I have lots to thank God for. But it feels like there is absolutely nothing to TGF. Now that the concert is over there is nothing to look forward to. No little things. No more walks in the Peaks. No more concerts and shows. No more trips to London. No more laughing. Not even a chat and tea after school. Even the things that I have to do, like Chalkie's party, like the PhD celebration meal I'm avoiding tomorrow.. they're all just reminders of how much of a failure I am. I'll always be alone. Noone ever loved me enough to want just to be with me. One person just wanted all my money, and someone to belay him. Who knows what the other person wanted.

Its hard at 31 to know that you'll never have that life you dreamed of. Simple things like a partner. Kids. Building a home with someone. All the things I loved doing.. adventurous stuff outdoors.. is just a pile of kit in the loft now. I'll never go on holiday again. Never get to see the world... enjoy it with somebody else. Can't see the point in being alive. Go to work, get money. Pay bills. Seems a bit stupid to me. Jeremiah 29:11 seems a complete load of rubbish to me.

TGF Naughty Tembo

Bless him. You'll notice the water on the floor. He knocked my glass over.

Clever people

TGF clever buddies that can fix things... namely stereos and my head. TGF lists. TGF technology working together. TGF the tin of chocolates in front of me. TGF woolly hats. TGF Nirvana CDs.

When is summer?

TGF friends that talk honestly with me, explaining life in a way I understand. TGF hot water bottles. TGF being able to absorb my brain completely in a computer game. TGF hugs from the Pups. TGF a glimmer of hope that maybe its not all over. TGF the afternoon sun warming my room. TGF time learning about how Aspies work.

Smurfette

TGF a fab evening hanging out with my buddy Ems. Was chilled and fun.. chatted lots, played wii and ate chip and egg butties. Thanks for distracting me Em. (Oh and TGF us beating Lu at volleyball finally too hehe).

Hmmm gotta think hard

Thats a tricky one today. Everything seems to be going pear shaped. Chimney sweep scratched the 'stone' thing on the floor in the fireplace. Paper is stuck to the fireplace where I had used it to protect it from me varnishing. My 'best friend' is still not talking to me. Remi has rejected my offer (after 3 months) and has told me to seek legal advice. Danny owes me 722 pounds and has disappeared off the planet. E.On have almost doubled my electricity bill unbeknown to me. The oven and hob I was going to buy have actually gone UP in the sale and Norwich are losing in the FA cup. Anything else?

I would say TGF getting the DVD recorder I wanted.. most of it paid for by vouchers from Goldfish.. but as I haven't tried plugging it in yet I wouldn't want to speak too soon.

Good job Dr Tim gave me a special cutlery set yesterday.

Update: yes.. there was something else. I really need the scart lead that I gave to my 'best friend' with my freeview box in order to set up the DVD recorder. Fan bloody tastic.

Smurfette

TGF my buddy Em who is always there when I really need her. TGF how we can make each other laugh even tho the world has come crashing down.

Brr

TGF being in my car not on my bike for the journey home last night. Brrrrr

Brrr

TGF gloves and scarves and woolly hats (although my hands still hurt they got that cold biking home last night). TGF central heating, nice jammies and furry hot water bottles. TGF the eternal hope for a 'snow day'!!

Sonic Olympics

TGF my buddies... that are here playing Mario and Sonic Olympics with me on the wii... and are being hilarious. TGF chip and egg butties too hehe.

His help

TGF his caring about us... and being able to entrust all situations to him. TGF all my cool trainers (grey adidas skate ones today). TGF my friends patience with my Aspiness. TGF being able to recover a situation that previously would have turned into an arguement. TGF being able to blog in front of the TV with nice cider. TGF a nice start to the New Year.. making Lego and a run and a chilled afternoon with mates at pub.