Forgiveness and justice

Went to evening prayer today. Luckily forgiven for dripping everywhere and for completely losing the page for the bible reading. And for putting the bible on the floor. Oops.

Couple of interesting things (and by that I mean things that my brain latched on to) first was in the reading. From Deuteronomy, kind of about holding God to account for promises made... what will people think of you God if you don't keep this promise.

I've tried holding God to account for promises made. In the end though you give up and think that probably it wasn't ever a promise from God. Although, on the days I try to keep believing I remember that God's timelines are not the same as my timelines.

The other thing (related) was in a prayer at the end. W asked God to help us to forgive others for what they've done, to seek justice, and to pray for the wellbeing of those others.

I know I still have a lot of work to do on the forgiving, but I'm doing so much better than ever before. And the wellbeing, think I'm there with that.

The bit that really, really struck me was the 'seek justice'. Like really? Its ok to still want justice? after all this time. Because that is the part that still makes me angry, that's the part that still hurts.

Is it up to me to do something or say something to seek out that justice? or is justice solely God's department? Is there a fine line between justice and revenge?

On another note... cried at school today. Was asked why I was sad. All I could do in reply was point to each name on a sign up sheet for an event that I'd been looking at. None of the names were just a name. They all had +n kids or + partner +n kids after. I ran away and found a corner to hide and stroke the fluffy cushion and cry and pray. I wondered why God have given me the autistic brain, but then the heart to go with it that so often seems to feel the exact opposite to what an autistic person is 'supposed' to feel.

Back to the original purpose of this blog, before it got all waffly...

...TGF strokey cushions and vanilla tea in Hufflepuff mugs.

So lonely... on a certain level

Scribblings during the service this morning... on the Good Shepherd. If its "in quote marks: Revd Tom Wilson said it" although probably not exactly what I wrote down, but close enough. rest is thoughts.

"our business is to follow as we are called - it is not for us to decide who the other sheep are... who is in or out of the fold"

"in Jesus' time sheep knew the sound of their Shepherd's voice, and followed only that voice's commands"

"Do you know your master's voice? Do you follow when He calls?"

Tricky one. In the past I've been absolutely sure I've heard from God. Some times were vague enough that you can easily believe them.. like when He says 'Trust Me'. Other times, when I would have sworn that it was God.. time has proven me very very wrong, and it was too good to be true. And then you're left with the flip side of when you were trying to test it when you doubted it at the time... why would God allow either the devil to lie to me, or me to just make it up when I was trying so hard to follow God and to rely on Him, and hearing from Him gave me a reason to go on living. When you know it was wrong, then you're left with knowing that it wasn't God. So then how can you trust 'hearing from God' in the future?

"it can be a feeling, or a sense of I need to do this.... you get good at responding to that through practice" ...."someone once said when I pray, co-incidences happen, when I stop praying, they stop"... " are we even listening?"

I guess I'm better at this, responding to that feeling. Often its like a nagging that won't stop until you do it. And yeah, it does seem like when you pray, things seem to happen, to fall into place, stuff conspires to get you in a certain place at a certain time, etc.

That's the brain bit. Now for the heart. I felt really lonely in church today. And useless. But its not like I was sat on my own. I was with friends. But that's kind of it. It seems like everyone else has not just friends. They have a partner, a child, an absolute best mate... that other level of bond, closeness, affection, something beyond.

I have friends. Brilliant friends. That I really value, some that I know if I asked, they'd do anything to help me. BUT. It always comes back to this. Being essentially alone. Spending my life keeping distracted. Never stop to think. Feeling somehow alone, even when with people. And its always back to that question... why am I not good enough?

I seem to be ok at making friends, and keeping them. But it feels like it's only up to a certain level. Not really close. Unless that is normal, that's all anyone ever has, every really feels?

The few people that did ever want to get close then freak out and run away. Or people have a level of friendship, a level of involvement and communication that they are happy with. Or they just deal with me because its their job, or their duty, and I mistake that for an interest in me as a person.

So again, is the key to keep distracted? to learn to switch off wanting any more from anyone... more time, more interest, more closeness.

Thoughts like these make me doubt my own autism. Being alone and being separated should be what I should seek out. Shouldn't it?

How much praying and how much crying in church before God notices?

What to avoid

First thing to note... AS is absolutely NOT like this. This post is not meant as a warning to them. It is stuff that I've been thinking about a lot recently, trying to come up with ideas for an Inclusive Church stand at the church fete, its from personal experience and its from discussion with friends.

The following came up in my FB news feed today from Unfundementalist, a repost of something that someone had put on Twitter I think.

I'm gonna guess that its more common than we'd like amongst LGBTQI christians that we've experienced something like this. I was in a tent at Soul Survivor for an extremely awkward hour (actually, on more than one occasion, now I think about it) and was supposed to join in with the prayer at the end that God would make me straight. I didn't.

For the church fete I'm thinking of ideas on exploring how various people/groups may have been excluded from church or been on the receiving end of experiences like this that would quite understandably put people off God for life.

Inclusive: more than just welcoming

First time I've seen my board game friends since starting to go to AS. Been talking through the events of the last few weeks. Some brilliant and affirming and bringing me closer to God. Other events more in the 'er, seriously?!' category. Some helpful advice on the way forward with that category, but the most important topic of conversation was that of inclusivity in churches.

These friends are gay. One would still describe herself as a christian. The other, quite forcibly, not.

The key point they both made, with regard to inclusivity on the grounds of sexuality was that it is not enough for churches to be 'ok with' people being gay, (particularly when they are single, and it's more of a theoretical issue). They need to be ok with them having a partner, they need to support that person in their relationship, they need to encourage and value as they would anyone else. And on this particular issue, churches don't just need to accept and welcome... they need to heal the damage that has almost certainly been done by churches and christians and religion to these people in the past.

They let me record a little bit of our discussion (as they talk way too fast for me to make any sort of notes) so hopefully I will be able to use more of their ideas. Ideally this will be a starting point for an idea I have for an Inclusive Church stand at the church fete. Sadly this event is not inclusive to those who have to work on a Thursday afternoon and so can't make the meetings!!

My only other criticism of AS is that its impossible to dance during worship. I miss being able to worship through the drums. Either playing or dancing about while Tyler was playing. Its the only thing the previous two churches did really well. I'd still take AS over them though. And then wait till I get home at 9pm and trawl you tube for a decent version of the hymn from the morning...


Best I could find. I'd prefer a bit more celtic toms action, but Rend Collective apparently haven't done a version.

Life Goals

I hope that its ok to repost this. Its the words from a sermon by the Very Revd David Monteith given at Leicester Cathedral. I love the end. Nothing could make me happier than to hear those words prayed over me and my as yet imaginary partner at AS one day.

Reforming Marriage

Dean David spoke as part of a talk given on Monday 9 October 2017, part of the St Martin-in-the-Fields Autumn Lecture Series – Reformation. The panel also featured Nicholas Holtam and Sally Hitchiner. The topic was Reforming Marriage.

Dean David’s words are featured below, and you can also listen to the talk via a podcast on St Martin-in-the-Fields’ website, available here.

Bishop Nick has shown that marriage has evolved. Beyond the leaving and cleaving of the Old Testament, the biblical writer of the Letter to the Ephesians weaves mutual responsibility into marriage. By the time we get to the fifth century St Augustine in ‘The Good of Marriage’ in 401AD can conclude that marriage produced ‘progeny, fidelity and a sacred bond’. Further centuries saw the church claiming marriage to be a fully sacred institution not just a secular one; a sacrament by the 12th century. By the 16th century marriage is depleted and celibacy exalted. The Reformer Martin Luther found himself surprised to be married. As a medieval monk Luther had not really considered he would marry – after all Christ may have returned or as a Christian living in turbulent times he may have been martyred. Equally and pragmatically there were those who accused him generally of a lack of self-control so marrying would have be an own goal for such opponents. Yet he marries Katharina von Bora and comes to describe her as ‘my rib’ and ‘a gift from God’. He says marriage is ‘a hospital for the soul’. (see for example Katharina and Martin: The Radical Marriage of a Runaway Nun and a Renegrade Monk, Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books 2017 and The Estate of Marriage, Martin Luther, 1522 https://www.1215.org/lawnotes/misc/marriage/martin-luther-estate-of-marriage.pdf ).

Despite worthy attempts at Queer retellings, a Reformation conversation about marriage could barely have conceived of same-sex marriage. Yet we can see how some elements of this 21st century conversation can be traced back to the Reformation. Think about the shift from seeing marriage almost as a ‘necessary evil’ to ‘an institution of creation’ intended for all human kind. Luther described it therefore as ‘worldly’ i.e. not held captive by the church. He recognised that although procreation was central, that companionship and even love were even more poignant. Luther also recognises that only very few are called to celibacy or a single life. He describes them as ‘special miracles’. That is another talk but essentially celibacy is about that gift and not a ‘cold shower’ response to unwanted same sex attraction. Singleness needs a much richer life affirming account. Crucially Luther also sees marriage as ‘the cradle of citizenship’. It was not private but public and thus it needed public space, honour and recognition.

Same sex couples are discovering these gifts and desiring marriage. I believe that God is at work in the world. How intriguing that gay and lesbian people are recognising the value of marriage at a time when marriage may be waning amongst heterosexuals. And all this even as the church remains anything but radically inclusive. If it were another topic, the church would at least wonder if God is at work. I need to confess to having come late to seeing this. I have been in a relationship for over 25 years and in a Civil Partnership for nearly 10 years, but marriage has not been our lens.

We didn’t see it that way because it was never an option. It is still not an option for us in our church and really not an option for me as a priest. For much of my life being gay was far from acceptable. I often quote the transition in my school which Oscar Wilde also attended. His name was absent from the Honours Boards throughout my 1980’s school career. Now he’s back!

So that marginal, somewhat hidden life was different. In the Christian Union I sang ‘Jesus take me as I am’. I believed it. So I came to see my life having fallen in love, as a gift not much understood and not much celebrated. Could this experience belonging to a small but significant proportion of society and church reveal something about love or friendship or trust which was maybe important to what it meant to be a child of God? I had witnessed good and bad marriages. I understood why the critiques of marriage were often justified as they revealed sexism, abuse and captivity. As gay people emerged from the shadows into the mainstream, I wondered if we should just walk into marriage?

Civil Partnerships therefore were an opportunity to celebrate a new way of commitment which was analogous to marriage but different from it. This enabled a new space to be formed which could lead to flourishing. But we soon saw that the name for such flourishing which most people understood was marriage. It is so much part of our human, cultural and religious story that it made sense. The Church of England’s reluctance to embrace Civil Partnerships wholeheartedly has added to the failure of Civil Partnerships to become the vivid same sex version of lasting partnership.

However, for us Civil Partnership has provided permanence with legal protections. It has created a small space for us to belong in society. The problem is that it is a tiny space; perhaps shaped more by contract than covenant, more by pragmatism than spiritual wisdom. We did make our Civil Partnership ceremony a rich experience but the fact that it wasn’t in church mattered and the fact that it couldn’t really fully embrace the ideas of it being a hospital for the soul leaves a deficit.

As the years go by I see this played out. As a Church of England Dean I have a public role. Leicester is diverse in terms of other faiths. It is therefore perhaps particularly uncertain about how to deal with a gay Dean. The county of Leicestershire is conservative too. Mostly I am able to be myself yet this happens in a filtered way. When I am asked if I have a wife, I say ‘no I don’t have a wife’. Then I analyse whether to leave it like that or say the next sentence. When appointed, no mention was made of my domestic life unlike the other announcements typically for Deans and Bishops. People are rarely hostile, just flummoxed as if there isn’t a frame for comprehension. But this is harder in the church than anywhere else. I see that despite change, homophobia is at work in me, in my community and in my church. Usually for me this doesn’t end up with violence but these are the gaps in which such malevolent powers grow. Without language, visibility, exemplars and sacred rituals to provide evidence of radical inclusion, homophobia will persist with consequences. For example, the Church of England is responsible for hundreds of schools and academies where the impact of homophobia is still felt, shaped by our bias and we need to do better.

My colleague organised a Christian presence at Leicester Pride this year. The group were expecting to hear lots of pain. They heard a bit. Mostly they heard from people who wanted to know more of the love of God. They thought that Jesus and his way could be for them. So undoubtedly this also concerns the Church of England’s mission, growth, renewal and reform. Even in Post Christendom the Church of England still shapes imagination in the way it contributes to the environmental conditions of society. Recently in Leicester our St Philip’s Centre working in interfaith and with TRADE, a local sexual health charity produced a report describing the Leicester Approach providing guidance across the faiths with LGBT people. Time and time again those of other faiths than Christian look to us for loving leadership. (See ‘Sexuality, Gender Identity and belief: The Leicester Approach’ 2017 available from admin@stphilipscentre.co.uk )

Marriage is now available for same-sex couples. But I think this discussion in church still focusses too much on justice alone. Justice is still vital and we still await it. If this reformation is also to be Godly, then righteousness also matters. They come as a pair in the Hebrew Bible. Righteousness is the rightness or the virtue that is Godly. It is the territory of the hospital of the soul. 

Here are four areas which may stimulate further thinking as the church tries to work out whether or not this love is really love and so whether or not this love can be blessed.

1. We must discern this together, embracing a diversity of voices and experiences. Shared conversations cannot be over. This means ensuring LGBT voices are heard and valued. This includes increasing numbers from African communities making their home here such as those in Leicester finding sanctuary from places of violence across our Anglican Communion. It also means we need to free up lots of heterosexual people to be open about marriage. They need to be as sufficiently open as LGBT people are now being asked to be within this discernment process. Our church constantly wants to split off into camps. With that language has developed which is stifling, sometimes brutal. Take a phrase which crops up such as ‘Generous Orthodoxy’. It now gets used as a weapon; somehow saying everything there is to say about our Anglican identity and used as a way to cut down conversation. Generous Orthodoxy properly understood is the modus of the people of God as we are drawn deeper into the life of Christ. In a community of relationship, careful to use the conversation to build each other up, we are to discern the opportunities and challenges for marriage in our day.
2. The record gets stuck on the slogan ‘one man, one woman’. Most marriages have and will be made up of a man and a woman. But are there other things also to say? For example, our tradition’s understanding of marriage changed the day Jesus went to a wedding in Cana (John 1–11). It is a ‘third day story’. It is about what happens when life is renewed in the power that raised Jesus from the dead. Jesus reframed marriage as something which could reveal the fullness of God’s kingdom. The constrained water containers became the overflowing vats of wine. Therefore the gospel writers are clear that in heaven there is to be no marriage (Matthew 22.30). Marriage on earth is a school for the Kingdom where ‘all things are to be made new’. The writers of the New Testament frame marriage in light of the new creation. Hence the church is bride and the glorified Christ is bridegroom. Remember that Genesis 1 does not start with men and women but rather starts in the Hebrew text with humanity. Men and women come next. That unified humanity then requires an arc of incarnation and redemption until the great divides are overcome. So might unity be worth exploring not as at present as a conversation about holding together the church but rather as an over-arching theological narrative for marriage as a sign to the world of what can be wrought by love and by God?
3. We have to talk about sex. Now that the majority of sex within marriage is recreational and not pro-creational, what does that reveal about bodies and souls and God? Our right concerns about sin and sex will only be heard if people can see that the Christian disciplines around sexual life lead to abundance of life. Our obsession with genitals is unlikely to do that. We have richer Christian wisdom to explore about human beings as sexual beings, and about the interplay of different kinds of love. Every morning after my coffee and bowl of porridge, I kiss my partner good bye. Within the current disciplines of clergy in Civil Partnerships what does this act mean? Unquestionably this is a sexual act that is part of the practice of relationship which keeps us together. I still fancy him. I love him. Our morning kiss gladdens our hearts and that sexual experience enriches our souls.
4. Finally, there seems increasing talk about gender complementarity. There are biological differences between men and women, but a binary account is inadequate. We project much onto the words man and woman. Politics, sociology, power, gender, sexuality, and status all shape what we mean by man and woman. As those in God’s Trinitarian image, we relate to one another and live between the poles of sameness and difference. Our intimate relationships allow us to explore that. My testimony is that living as a same sex couple we see more and more of the differentiation between me and my partner. We discover how utterly different we are and we are working at what it is to be one. This long life of sacrificial love habituates virtue. It is not possible without difference but that is perfectly possible without notions of complementarity which carries so much possibility of demeaning, imprisoning consequences for both men and women.

Marriage as a hospital for the soul can provide a secure platform for people, building the common good. This is a counter-balance to the obsessive coupledom which sees the cosy comfort of relationship as an inoculator from the world. It is also a needed alternative to the exhausting and often damaging behaviours of multiple short-term relationships.

I believe the Christian story has the capacity to enlarge the story of marriage to include same sex couples. I look forward to the day when I can pray for them what I have prayed for so many husbands and wives. I hope to be able to pray ‘God the Holy Trinity make you strong in faith and love, defend you on every side and guide you in truth and peace’ (Blessing from Common Worship, The Marriage Service, 2000).

The Very Revd David Monteith, Dean of Leicester

2 out of 3

Doing rather too much thinking of late. Possibly not helped by reading the inclusive church resources. Finished the book on gender. Much more aware of how social and other situations play out as a result. Like when trying to get involved in setting up the local Parkrun. And every message you send being ignored. Turn up anyway. At the end there is a group of middle aged, quite probably middle class white men stood in a circle talking rugby quotes and arranging a meeting in a pub. Only one of them was kind enough to talk to me, even though I'd spent the last 2 hours there volunteering.

I still don't know what I think of my own gender. I've learned recently that gender neutrality/ambiguity/dysphoria etc is quite common on the Autistic Spectrum (I think probably a lot lot more so in autistic females). I guess neutrality is my default state. I only really want to transition when to be a man would mean/have meant that I stood even the remotest chance of 'getting the girl'. I currently hate my hair because it looks 'girly'. V tempted to shave it all off, but I've come this far in growing it enough to have dreads, it would be a shame to waste that. When running, I want to beat the men. But then I do also look at my stats in terms of the female runners.

That leads me on to the next thing. Yet another run in with an ex. There are only two people that I've been in a relationship with, and one that I wanted to be a relationship with and she certainly did not behave like just a friend, but then freaked out and deleted me from her life, never to be seen again. Anyway. In the last month or so I've come face to face with both of the people that I've been in a relationship with that have then left me. If I was in normal state of mind/state with God, then I'd probably have a rant at God in a 'what the heck are you playing at, is my life not hard enough? kind of way. However, at the moment I'm trying to look at it as part of his plan to get rid of the past and its hurt and move on with stuff. So I didn't completely flip out at the start of the half marathon when ex fiancee stood behind me and then seemed annoyed I didn't instantly recognise him (kinda focussed on the race and how much my back hurt before we'd even started). We had a quick chat. All about him. No surprise. And now reflecting on it, it was the same as it ever was. He has everything he ever wanted, he has the partner and the kids and the career. But as ever, I got the sob story, how he'd changed jobs lots of times and how unfair it was that he had to keep starting at the bottom, then how he'd become a teacher and how hard that was and how hard his first two schools were and....

There are so many reasons that I am absolutely fine that this is no longer my problem. But thinking about it tonight, his attitude is probably quite common, and I'd guess particularly so amongst white middle aged, middle class males. This idea of life being unfair because its a bit hard sometimes. The idea that you deserve to have everything handed to you, just because of who you are, or because you have an 'education', or...

I can rant with the best of them, but I hope that one thing I have learned is that life/society does not owe me anything, and I am certainly not 'above' having to work hard for things. And I think that I am fully aware, and extremely grateful for those privileges and advantages that I do have. If ever I'm not... kick my ass.

So. God... will I be running into person number three in the next few weeks? I don't think I'd handle that one quite as well. All that really happened as a result of meeting the last one is that I made damn sure I beat him in the race.

Peace

Still can't get used to leaving church feeling all chilled out and peaceful... instead of in tears. Its lovely.

Still can't turn off Aspie brain though... that spends the walk home (and rest of night) worrying about who I offended how with stuff that came out of my mouth.

If anyone from AS reads this, then please always say at the time if I've said something stupid.

For starters:

E: you don't need to run after cake. At all. I run before, but thats just so I have an excuse to eat cake.

W: I LOVE your wild gesticulating. I was NOT taking the michael. Its brilliant. How can I be laughing at you? when most of the time I can't get a word out without whole body rocking. I can only apologise in advance of any time that your gesticulating is so wild that it make me laugh out loud in church. It will happen. Inappropriate laughing is my forte.

My Calling?

The idea of a calling, and stuff about careers has come up a lot recently.

The first thing E said to me when she pounced after the service was to ask what my calling is. Weird when she has never seen me before. I mumbled something about CMA. I dismissed what she suggested a couple of weeks later about being a vicar as being completely ludicrous. It seems to embody all the things I am worst at. I'm also aware that with God's sense of humour, this may all come back to bite me on the ass one day.

The more troublesome thing is how many times people have questioned or belittled my 'career'. This is upsetting me because it finally feels, after 20 years, that I have found my calling, and I have found the place where I fit. I think I am really good at my job (Classroom Support Assistant at Ashmount School) and that I bring something to that role and place that not everyone else can. I think who I am is actually an asset rather than a hindrance there. Colleagues may correct me about all of this, but...

So, it really feels like God has been at work, through a lot of horrible, horrible years to get me to where he wants me. And to have that questioned from several sides all at once is worrying.

Now the biggest one is one that I should know better about by now. I could probably have a quick google and find ten similar quotes saying that "the key to happiness is to stop comparing yourself to others". And its true. When I compare myself to my peers I feel that I have nothing (apart from a dodgy old van and a pile of lego) and have achieved nothing. Everyone else has partner and kids. I have a cuddly Ewok. So, stop comparing. The one that always leads me into a rant at God is when I compare myself to my brother. He is the total opposite of me. And this time the way to make me feel like an absolute failure was to compare careers. I tried to style it out. But it hurt. Dad was asking him about his new office, as he is doing rather well at work. Like an idiot I chipped in "I have a peg..... its got my name on it!". When will I learn. Don't get involved. Don't compare. Don't try to defend yourself. But that's not how Aspie brain works. So it's been on the defensive about my career "choice'.

Seems that Mum too doesn't think much of what I do. She suggested I retrain as a paramedic. Having watched them at work and thinking 'Gem could do that, she'd earn more money".

So is that it? What you earn is the only indicator of the value of your work?

That would explain a lot about the mess the world is in.

Someone in our lent discussion group said that 'you get paid a lot more for looking after money, than looking after people'.

Surely that's the wrong way round.

I'm trying to mentally defend my career at the moment with phrases like "he makes money, I make a difference', and trying to hang on to the belief that its more important to use my knowledge and skills to help others, even if just helping them to be happy, than worrying about how much money I earn.

I got asked recently about why I did a PhD. It felt like they were questioning the point of my qualifications when they are not used for my job. To me my degree, PGCE and PhD are massive achievements, all 'worth it' for their own intrinsic value. I gain a lot of self esteem from having them. Maybe more so now because I no longer get any of that 'professional' kudos from being able to say I'm a teacher.

Truth is I probably get to actually teach way more now. And am so, so much happier than when I was teaching. I work more hours in more jobs, for less. But I don't dread going to work each day. I look forward to it.

So. What is my 'calling'?

Easter

Was sad to not be at AS for Easter. But very glad I did not miss an opportunity to see my nephews. Ended up having two thirds of them for two whole days and had such a brilliant time that I didn't mind being relegated to the floor in the spare room while they had my bed!

I'm always going to be sad about not having my own kids. Sometimes I've got my head around it, and know that I am a bad influence on a lot of kids, just not one of my own. Other days it can take me very quickly into the dark place. Maybe God will get me past it, maybe something big will happen.

Got to spend lots of time with my best mate from play school and his kids. Went over for fish and chips and a film Saturday night (is it ok if we watch the next Star Wars we're up to?... really Tim, you even asked?!?!) and ended up being persuaded to get up at 5:20am to go to the Sunrise service at their church.

Very happy to go to church on that day, it kinda feels like the most important day of the year, better somehow even than Christmas in a way. Nice to feel slightly crazy at ridiculous o clock, holding a candle, shouting He is risen and trying not to laugh at someone failing to light a small fire.

However, they did a bit where you could go up to the font and use the water to renew your baptism/commitment and cross your forehead, or something. I couldn't make myself go up and do it. I think its about 90% fear of doing it wrong or doing something stupid or of having people look at me. There is still a bit of me that doesn't feel worthy. Not necessarily in God's eyes. But in other people's eyes. Like the vicar there or the congregation would step in and say "no, we didn't mean you, you can't do it"

I think I trust AS now. Still more than wary of every other church though.

Maybe its the difference between trusting God and trusting 'His people' that keeps so many people living in the darkness behind a mask of lies?