So lonely... on a certain level

Scribblings during the service this morning... on the Good Shepherd. If its "in quote marks: Revd Tom Wilson said it" although probably not exactly what I wrote down, but close enough. rest is thoughts.

"our business is to follow as we are called - it is not for us to decide who the other sheep are... who is in or out of the fold"

"in Jesus' time sheep knew the sound of their Shepherd's voice, and followed only that voice's commands"

"Do you know your master's voice? Do you follow when He calls?"

Tricky one. In the past I've been absolutely sure I've heard from God. Some times were vague enough that you can easily believe them.. like when He says 'Trust Me'. Other times, when I would have sworn that it was God.. time has proven me very very wrong, and it was too good to be true. And then you're left with the flip side of when you were trying to test it when you doubted it at the time... why would God allow either the devil to lie to me, or me to just make it up when I was trying so hard to follow God and to rely on Him, and hearing from Him gave me a reason to go on living. When you know it was wrong, then you're left with knowing that it wasn't God. So then how can you trust 'hearing from God' in the future?

"it can be a feeling, or a sense of I need to do this.... you get good at responding to that through practice" ...."someone once said when I pray, co-incidences happen, when I stop praying, they stop"... " are we even listening?"

I guess I'm better at this, responding to that feeling. Often its like a nagging that won't stop until you do it. And yeah, it does seem like when you pray, things seem to happen, to fall into place, stuff conspires to get you in a certain place at a certain time, etc.

That's the brain bit. Now for the heart. I felt really lonely in church today. And useless. But its not like I was sat on my own. I was with friends. But that's kind of it. It seems like everyone else has not just friends. They have a partner, a child, an absolute best mate... that other level of bond, closeness, affection, something beyond.

I have friends. Brilliant friends. That I really value, some that I know if I asked, they'd do anything to help me. BUT. It always comes back to this. Being essentially alone. Spending my life keeping distracted. Never stop to think. Feeling somehow alone, even when with people. And its always back to that question... why am I not good enough?

I seem to be ok at making friends, and keeping them. But it feels like it's only up to a certain level. Not really close. Unless that is normal, that's all anyone ever has, every really feels?

The few people that did ever want to get close then freak out and run away. Or people have a level of friendship, a level of involvement and communication that they are happy with. Or they just deal with me because its their job, or their duty, and I mistake that for an interest in me as a person.

So again, is the key to keep distracted? to learn to switch off wanting any more from anyone... more time, more interest, more closeness.

Thoughts like these make me doubt my own autism. Being alone and being separated should be what I should seek out. Shouldn't it?

How much praying and how much crying in church before God notices?