My Calling?

The idea of a calling, and stuff about careers has come up a lot recently.

The first thing E said to me when she pounced after the service was to ask what my calling is. Weird when she has never seen me before. I mumbled something about CMA. I dismissed what she suggested a couple of weeks later about being a vicar as being completely ludicrous. It seems to embody all the things I am worst at. I'm also aware that with God's sense of humour, this may all come back to bite me on the ass one day.

The more troublesome thing is how many times people have questioned or belittled my 'career'. This is upsetting me because it finally feels, after 20 years, that I have found my calling, and I have found the place where I fit. I think I am really good at my job (Classroom Support Assistant at Ashmount School) and that I bring something to that role and place that not everyone else can. I think who I am is actually an asset rather than a hindrance there. Colleagues may correct me about all of this, but...

So, it really feels like God has been at work, through a lot of horrible, horrible years to get me to where he wants me. And to have that questioned from several sides all at once is worrying.

Now the biggest one is one that I should know better about by now. I could probably have a quick google and find ten similar quotes saying that "the key to happiness is to stop comparing yourself to others". And its true. When I compare myself to my peers I feel that I have nothing (apart from a dodgy old van and a pile of lego) and have achieved nothing. Everyone else has partner and kids. I have a cuddly Ewok. So, stop comparing. The one that always leads me into a rant at God is when I compare myself to my brother. He is the total opposite of me. And this time the way to make me feel like an absolute failure was to compare careers. I tried to style it out. But it hurt. Dad was asking him about his new office, as he is doing rather well at work. Like an idiot I chipped in "I have a peg..... its got my name on it!". When will I learn. Don't get involved. Don't compare. Don't try to defend yourself. But that's not how Aspie brain works. So it's been on the defensive about my career "choice'.

Seems that Mum too doesn't think much of what I do. She suggested I retrain as a paramedic. Having watched them at work and thinking 'Gem could do that, she'd earn more money".

So is that it? What you earn is the only indicator of the value of your work?

That would explain a lot about the mess the world is in.

Someone in our lent discussion group said that 'you get paid a lot more for looking after money, than looking after people'.

Surely that's the wrong way round.

I'm trying to mentally defend my career at the moment with phrases like "he makes money, I make a difference', and trying to hang on to the belief that its more important to use my knowledge and skills to help others, even if just helping them to be happy, than worrying about how much money I earn.

I got asked recently about why I did a PhD. It felt like they were questioning the point of my qualifications when they are not used for my job. To me my degree, PGCE and PhD are massive achievements, all 'worth it' for their own intrinsic value. I gain a lot of self esteem from having them. Maybe more so now because I no longer get any of that 'professional' kudos from being able to say I'm a teacher.

Truth is I probably get to actually teach way more now. And am so, so much happier than when I was teaching. I work more hours in more jobs, for less. But I don't dread going to work each day. I look forward to it.

So. What is my 'calling'?