2 out of 3

Doing rather too much thinking of late. Possibly not helped by reading the inclusive church resources. Finished the book on gender. Much more aware of how social and other situations play out as a result. Like when trying to get involved in setting up the local Parkrun. And every message you send being ignored. Turn up anyway. At the end there is a group of middle aged, quite probably middle class white men stood in a circle talking rugby quotes and arranging a meeting in a pub. Only one of them was kind enough to talk to me, even though I'd spent the last 2 hours there volunteering.

I still don't know what I think of my own gender. I've learned recently that gender neutrality/ambiguity/dysphoria etc is quite common on the Autistic Spectrum (I think probably a lot lot more so in autistic females). I guess neutrality is my default state. I only really want to transition when to be a man would mean/have meant that I stood even the remotest chance of 'getting the girl'. I currently hate my hair because it looks 'girly'. V tempted to shave it all off, but I've come this far in growing it enough to have dreads, it would be a shame to waste that. When running, I want to beat the men. But then I do also look at my stats in terms of the female runners.

That leads me on to the next thing. Yet another run in with an ex. There are only two people that I've been in a relationship with, and one that I wanted to be a relationship with and she certainly did not behave like just a friend, but then freaked out and deleted me from her life, never to be seen again. Anyway. In the last month or so I've come face to face with both of the people that I've been in a relationship with that have then left me. If I was in normal state of mind/state with God, then I'd probably have a rant at God in a 'what the heck are you playing at, is my life not hard enough? kind of way. However, at the moment I'm trying to look at it as part of his plan to get rid of the past and its hurt and move on with stuff. So I didn't completely flip out at the start of the half marathon when ex fiancee stood behind me and then seemed annoyed I didn't instantly recognise him (kinda focussed on the race and how much my back hurt before we'd even started). We had a quick chat. All about him. No surprise. And now reflecting on it, it was the same as it ever was. He has everything he ever wanted, he has the partner and the kids and the career. But as ever, I got the sob story, how he'd changed jobs lots of times and how unfair it was that he had to keep starting at the bottom, then how he'd become a teacher and how hard that was and how hard his first two schools were and....

There are so many reasons that I am absolutely fine that this is no longer my problem. But thinking about it tonight, his attitude is probably quite common, and I'd guess particularly so amongst white middle aged, middle class males. This idea of life being unfair because its a bit hard sometimes. The idea that you deserve to have everything handed to you, just because of who you are, or because you have an 'education', or...

I can rant with the best of them, but I hope that one thing I have learned is that life/society does not owe me anything, and I am certainly not 'above' having to work hard for things. And I think that I am fully aware, and extremely grateful for those privileges and advantages that I do have. If ever I'm not... kick my ass.

So. God... will I be running into person number three in the next few weeks? I don't think I'd handle that one quite as well. All that really happened as a result of meeting the last one is that I made damn sure I beat him in the race.