Easter

Was sad to not be at AS for Easter. But very glad I did not miss an opportunity to see my nephews. Ended up having two thirds of them for two whole days and had such a brilliant time that I didn't mind being relegated to the floor in the spare room while they had my bed!

I'm always going to be sad about not having my own kids. Sometimes I've got my head around it, and know that I am a bad influence on a lot of kids, just not one of my own. Other days it can take me very quickly into the dark place. Maybe God will get me past it, maybe something big will happen.

Got to spend lots of time with my best mate from play school and his kids. Went over for fish and chips and a film Saturday night (is it ok if we watch the next Star Wars we're up to?... really Tim, you even asked?!?!) and ended up being persuaded to get up at 5:20am to go to the Sunrise service at their church.

Very happy to go to church on that day, it kinda feels like the most important day of the year, better somehow even than Christmas in a way. Nice to feel slightly crazy at ridiculous o clock, holding a candle, shouting He is risen and trying not to laugh at someone failing to light a small fire.

However, they did a bit where you could go up to the font and use the water to renew your baptism/commitment and cross your forehead, or something. I couldn't make myself go up and do it. I think its about 90% fear of doing it wrong or doing something stupid or of having people look at me. There is still a bit of me that doesn't feel worthy. Not necessarily in God's eyes. But in other people's eyes. Like the vicar there or the congregation would step in and say "no, we didn't mean you, you can't do it"

I think I trust AS now. Still more than wary of every other church though.

Maybe its the difference between trusting God and trusting 'His people' that keeps so many people living in the darkness behind a mask of lies?