Went to evening prayer today. Luckily forgiven for dripping everywhere and for completely losing the page for the bible reading. And for putting the bible on the floor. Oops.
Couple of interesting things (and by that I mean things that my brain latched on to) first was in the reading. From Deuteronomy, kind of about holding God to account for promises made... what will people think of you God if you don't keep this promise.
I've tried holding God to account for promises made. In the end though you give up and think that probably it wasn't ever a promise from God. Although, on the days I try to keep believing I remember that God's timelines are not the same as my timelines.
The other thing (related) was in a prayer at the end. W asked God to help us to forgive others for what they've done, to seek justice, and to pray for the wellbeing of those others.
I know I still have a lot of work to do on the forgiving, but I'm doing so much better than ever before. And the wellbeing, think I'm there with that.
The bit that really, really struck me was the 'seek justice'. Like really? Its ok to still want justice? after all this time. Because that is the part that still makes me angry, that's the part that still hurts.
Is it up to me to do something or say something to seek out that justice? or is justice solely God's department? Is there a fine line between justice and revenge?
On another note... cried at school today. Was asked why I was sad. All I could do in reply was point to each name on a sign up sheet for an event that I'd been looking at. None of the names were just a name. They all had +n kids or + partner +n kids after. I ran away and found a corner to hide and stroke the fluffy cushion and cry and pray. I wondered why God have given me the autistic brain, but then the heart to go with it that so often seems to feel the exact opposite to what an autistic person is 'supposed' to feel.
Back to the original purpose of this blog, before it got all waffly...
...TGF strokey cushions and vanilla tea in Hufflepuff mugs.
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